Well, it’s Valentine’s Day again. Whether you’re single, shaking your fist at couples walking by and listing off the reasons that it’s better to be single, or if you’ve got a significant other and you’re looking for that last minute gift that won’t get you kicked out of the house or at least down to the couch tonight; the fact is, this is a day that happens because some dude married some young couples when he wasn’t supposed to (at least according to the Huffington Post). Last year, Valentine’s Day happened to fall during the Ultimate Gore-a-thon, so we took a look at some of horror movies goriest couples (if you missed it, read that here). This year we’ll take a look at some of those horror movie couples that are only as crazy as they act, and it’s pretty damn crazy. On a side note: if you’re waiting on the Ultimate Gore-a-thon this year, don’t worry, it’s coming.
This list may contain a few spoilers if you haven’t seen the films. Consider yourself warned.
Crazy Is As Crazy Does – 5 Maniacal Horror Movie Couples
Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke – Dolls (1987)
If there’s a hundred things horror movies have taught us, at least one of them is to never trust toymakers. DOLLS antagonists Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke would have their own chapter in that lesson, because this crazy couple not only creates some of the scariest horror dolls in cinematic history, they also mastermind the whole outfit. Whereas we’ve seen some evil puppet or evil toy films where the animated doll is in control, that isn’t the case with the Hartwicke’s malicious plan. And to make it even worse, they aren’t in the least bit scared to take matters into their own hands when necessary.
Jesse and Diamondback – Near Dark (1987)
NEAR DARK would certainly make a good Valentine’s Day horror movie choice, but most of the romantic focus is going to be on Caleb and Mae, while the crazy couple in this film would have to be Jesse and Diamondback. The whole family of traveling vampires is naturally on the maniacal side, seeing their unnatural thirst for human blood and possession of several superhuman qualities. And although they may be more tame than Severin, Jesse and Diamondback create plenty of chaos on their own.
Joe and Kate – Psychos in Love (1987)
Apparently 1987 was the year for crazy couples, and Joe and Kate may take the cake. PSYCHOS IN LOVE could well be the title for this list, so it’s obvious why Joe and Kate are on it. These lovebirds fall for each other mainly based on their affinity for killing others, particularly love interests of the opposite sex. They also have a shared hatred for grapes; a hatred that may burn brighter than their homes after a treatment of Luminol. And really, what better pair of similarities could you ask for to base a relationship upon?
Mickey and Mallory Knox – Natural Born Killers (1994)
Alright, so NATURAL BORN KILLERS isn’t a horror film. But there aren’t too many cinematic couples that reach the level of crazy that Mickey and Mallory Knox do. The story is told in retrospect, and tends to focus on the fact that one survivor of each killing spree is able to pass the story on to the media, who not only publicizes it but glorifies the couple. At its heart the film is a statement about the current culture of the media and sensationalism, and society’s views on violence. So even though it’s not really a horror movie, Mickey and Mallory raise the bar for psychotic homicidal couples in cinema.
Chucky and Tiffany – Bride of Chucky (1998)
This list just wouldn’t be complete without the craziest doll couple that ever existed. BRIDE OF CHUCKY shows the little ball of evil forming a relationship with a then-human Tiffany. When she offends him, Chucky throws a tantrum of homicidal proportions, and then proceeds to transfer her soul into a doll. The pair set out to find an amulet that will supposedly allow them to switch back into human bodies, and kill anyone or anything that happens along their path. Aristotle said “love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” He was only partially correct. Love is composed of two souls inhabiting two dolls with murder on the mind.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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