Three years ago, when the Blood Sucking Geek was still in its infancy, I wrote up a Horror Movie Survival Kit to allow those of us who really put ourselves in harm’s way every day, watching horror movies, to be better prepared to survive the coming dangers. And now this year the folks over at ManCrates have issued out a challenge to some of us horror bloggers to see what we’d gather together in a horror movie survival kit, so here’s my second set of tools to survive those onslaughts of ghosts, ghouls, graveyards, and goblins.
It doesn’t necessarily need to be holy water, but that wouldn’t hurt either. It’d take care of the Gremlins, it’ll take care of the Neon Maniacs, and if it’s blessed, a whole host of other evil creatures as well. Considering how simple of a solution it is, if one of those horror movie creatures happens to be allergic to water, you’d better have some on hand. Oh, also, it’s good to drink water to survive. So this is the first, and most essential, item in your horror movie survival kit.
It’s never safe to go wandering in the dark. Never. No ‘if’s, ‘and’s or ‘but’s, just brighten the hell out of any room you’re considering wandering into. That way you’ll see what’s lurking in the dark. It’s Halloween today, and we all know Michael Myers just loomed around in the dark and just out of sight until he felt the moment was right. Darkness: bad. Floodlight: good. Even better yet, on the rare occasion, you will annihilate some of the more photosensitive monsters (some vampires, perhaps?).
A Reliable GPS
Getting lost is just about the worst thing you can do in a horror film. Right next to checking the creepy basement alone after hearing a noise or searching an abandoned asylum because you don’t believe it’s haunted. The unfortunate filmmakers in The Blair Witch Project wouldn’t have had so much trouble had they had a reliable GPS on hand. And I’d wager that even Silent Hill is on Google Maps now, so you can even find your way around there.
A Two-Way Radio
Two-way radio, Ham radio, Amateur radio, whatever specific device you want to use, just something that lets you get in touch with some other non-homicidal human that is hopefully in a better position than you and able to send or contact help. This way you won’t have to try to radio in for help in that creepy old police car or in the abandoned building over there, because we all damn well know that’s a bad idea.
A Gallon of Bugspray
If it’s a horror movie, chances are you’ll need much more than a little spray bottle of bugspray to take care of those giant mutant insects. A gallon is semi-reasonable to carry (especially if you manage to be travelling around with a floodlight in tow), but really the more the better. Whether you come across a handful of tank-sized ants or a swarm of more spiders than you can count, you’d best not run out of your first layer of defense designed specifically for those nasty little things.
There are a lot of these smaller nuisances, like the Leprechaun himself, that really just need to be trapped. Actually trapping these guys may be a lot easier said than done, but someone needs to do it. If you’re dealing with mutant rats I hear they still enjoy peanut butter, some gold for the Leprechaun, and some sort of object that incites curiosity in the Ghoulies and the Hobgoblins. For extra safety: electrify the cage, have a voodoo barrier cast on it, and once it’s full throw it into a volcano or something.
A Priest Collar
When nothing else seems to be working, sometimes you just need a badass priest to survive the current situation. If you can’t find one, be one. This may require a few other religious prerequisites, but you might as well try just putting the collar on and see what happens. And then if you brought your water (see above), you can bless it yourself if the situation requires it.
Happy Halloween to everyone, and enjoy your parties, horror marathons, or ritualistic incantations that you found in a creepy old book!
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